Archive for the ‘Consumeritis’ Category

This is my iPhone. There are many like it but this one is mine. My iPhone is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my iPhone is useless. Without my iPhone I am useless. I must find apps for my iPhone. I must text straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me (only metaphorically, of course). I must text him before he texts me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my iPhone and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

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Guns R Fun

Mixing guns with kids is usually a bad idea, usually.  Enter Buzz Bee.  At the forefront of modern weapon technology, BB mixes laser purpose with ball rumbling style sort of like capris.  When I initially came across these weapons a friend brought one over and I was erect at first sight.  I grasped the smooth shiny barrel and felt a connection usually reserved for that girl across the bus who noticed I tucked it in my belt by the little grease stain, broken zipper and reverse thong.  In my best Big Buck Hunter fashion, I brought it up to my eyes, pointed at my friend, and pulled the trigger.  In what felt like an eternity, the ammunition was expelled and the look of sheer horror on his face disappeared.  Direct hit.

We both laughed.  The Double Shot is heaven.

In true shotgun fasion, shells holster the shots which are loaded into the back of the barrel which is cocked then snapped shut.  A hard pull will launch both projectiles simultaneously but the true skill comes when you finger it slightly, releasing one bullet and leaving the second for another target.  Accuracy is good, distance is good and my only gripe would be that there are only two shots, but that is perfect for two terrorists if you’re a marksman like me.

My second tour of duty showed me how far technology had come: the Belt Blaster.  Heavy in hand, I felt empowered by the magnitude of the armament like my dick times pie (apple, deep dish).  One hand cocks the front grip and the second mans the trigger unleashing a barrage of 20 bullets in a matter of 15 seconds.  It shoots far, fast and a lot, but the accuracy suffers.

The Berserker.  Need I say more?  Though it looks handheld sybian, this sister packs a punch.  A tommy gun-esque chamber unloads with the speed of the Belt Blaster with similar capacity and function, but the secret weapon is the super bullet hidden between the regular bullets (which are still bullets).  A pump on the back arms the uber bullet which is ejaculated at hyper speed courtesy of caressing the front trigger while the back trigger can co-fire the small bullets (still bullets).  The accuracy isn’t great but the style and secret rocket make for a formidable gun punch.

They just keep getting better.  I mean, look at this thing.  Guns rock tits and the Automatic Tommy 20 will igneous the shit out of any mouse.  The first battery powered instrument of fury here will unload full capacity with one pull of the trigger.  The first few shots will inevitably fall shorter than their younger brethren but they are deadly accurate and gain power the longer then pin is pulled.  Plus, it is heavy and can double as a club.  Or another sybian.

And my favorite, the Tek 6.  What’s this you ask?  This pitiful little thing?  Let me ask you this: have you ever seen Men in Black?  It features Will Smith, so of course you have.  Well let me ask you this: remember the noisy cricket?

Enough said.  Remember, the best defense is the best offense and Will Smith is never wrong.

Oh yeah, fuck you Nerf, Buzz Bee did your mom.  And dad.

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The above video is from a graduation speech at something-or-other college in Texas.

These evangelical folks should really think about revamping there sales force. I mean, lets think of religion like a product, what did that girl just offer? Not much: a boat load of guilt and a slim chance of eternal salvation, side-effects include social awkwardness, speaking in tongues, and seizures.

Now Scientology, on the other hand, there’s a religion! You can make fun of it all you want, but look at their marketing. They’ve got celebrity spokes people, structured payment plans, and the reading material seems pretty entertaining.

But seriously, can we just let those lone-star-state fuck ups secede already!

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Buy this shit!

No money down!  No interest!  No payments for 60 days!  No credit?  No shirt?  No shoes? No pot to piss in?  No problem!

Buy this shit in the next 5 minutes and we’ll double your order!  FOR FREE!!! (separate shipping, taxes, and fees apply)

But wait, buy this shit with your credit card and we’ll throw in a free set of knives.

Buy this shit!  It’ll impress your friends, your girlfriend, your parole officer.  It’ll help you quit smoking, lose wait, whiten your teeth, start a successful business from home, find the love of your life.  It’ll increase you penis/breast size by at least 1 inch/cup.  It’ll grow your hair back, remove unwanted hair, or leave you hair the way it already is if you like it.  It’s clinically proven to cure whatever ails you, guaranteed (this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA).

Previously only available in China, this shit has only recently been approved for consumption in the U.S. thanks to a sagging economy and a desperate need to close trade deficits, so take advantage now, before our executives are all indicted.

Buy this shit while supplies last!  Do it!  Buy it!  You know you want it!  Don’t think about it!  Just buy it!  C’mon c’mon c’mon c’moooooooon!

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Meat + Lasers = your business card.

I’m blinded by the science!


And yes, feel free to contact me about hiring my incredible photoshop skills.

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I’m holding out for a better model

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From Reuters:

The Italian industrial group first announced its plans for a partnership with Chrysler in January. It is to give technology for small cars and access to foreign markets in exchange for a stake in Chrysler and entry into the U.S. market.

That Italian industrial group is, of course, Fiat. GM, having not yet realized it’s infamous Hummer division has long become a lead balloon, and Chrysler, which seems unable to come up with anything that won’t self-destructed after 1500 miles, find themselves in such dyer straits that we had to bring in Sal Tessio and the gang in to “make ’em and offer they can’t refuse.”

News of the possible merger drove Fiat’s share up over 10% on the DJ Stoxx auto index, and the whole world shrugged and continued to buy non-perishable goods for the impending fall of civilization.

GM, of course, doesn’t benefit directly from the merger with Fiat and will most likely be forced to declare bankruptcy and restructure. The good news for them, a built in slogan. “GM, at least we’re not trying to sell you Fiats.” Anyway, who needs the Italian “technology for small cars” when you’ve got the Geo division packed up somewhere.

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