Archive for May, 2010

When the Mafia controlled the entertainment industry?  Yea, me either.  But, as per the standards of white, middle-class experience, I read about it in a book.


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This is my iPhone. There are many like it but this one is mine. My iPhone is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my iPhone is useless. Without my iPhone I am useless. I must find apps for my iPhone. I must text straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me (only metaphorically, of course). I must text him before he texts me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my iPhone and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

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Not sure how the women’s movement was able to do it, but where is Paris Hilton these days?

If you follow the blogosphere and TMZ media types, Im sure you hear about her Las Vegas follies and propabably her new TV happenings. But for the average man, she is nowhere to be found. No Maxim, no playboy, not even any new sex tapes.

My question as to her where abouts has more to do with her fall from grace as an iconic goddess, for certainly she is still worthy of every man’s wet dreams, then her attention by Star Magazine.

So, she carries a stupid dog around with her like Reese in LB2, that’s no big deal, she still makes Cameron Diaz look fat and lest we forget we’ve all seen her naughty parts in action.

I’m not here to tell you what to do, all I’m saying is don’t delete her out of your spank bank. Just because women, in their jealously, have succeeded in their plot to make her seem unimportant, stupid and “too skinny”. Remember

This is too skinny:

This is just lazy…

Mmm. Just right:

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The days of the American working man are over.  You don’t have to be William Sanford to know that.  Thanks to economic specialization and its necessary counterpart, globalization, the phrase “Buy American!” is no longer relevant.  Of course.  What’s to buy?  That is to say, what does U.S. have to offer by way of exports?  It’s clear that our rock music is terrible.   No eastern European, still nursing a sore anus from the rampages of Communism, is going to want to listen to We Were Promised Jetpacks or Echo and the Bunnymen or whatever lo-fi Pitchfork precum is trying to pass off as innovative.  And despite how “ahead of schedule” GM is, the market for Buick LeSabres is weak at best.  Russell Athletic?  Nope.  New Balance?  Nope.  Backstreet Boys?  Nope.  Guns?  Well, yes, but you can’t even travel with them.  The list goes on, but what is clear is that the days of lunch pail toting, blue collar, punch-in punch-out, Budweiser drinking, pigskin tossing average Joe are long gone.  And it’s been this way for a while.

The hilarity prevails as Uncle Sam continues to meddle with private business, under the guise of “we’re protecting the working man.”  This is about as believable as telling your date that you’re “allergic” to latex condoms.  Let’s break this down.  We’ve already established that the working man is dead.  His death was a necessary byproduct of economic expansion.  Some countries are simply better a producing certain goods and in order for a global economy to exist, some countries have to give up certain things to produce others.  We can’t all be winners.  This isn’t the Special Olympics.  We can’t all produce the same exact good.  This isn’t kindergarten.  “Oh, what a lovely Popsicle stick dinosaur Timmy.  Oh, and you made one too Chris.  Oh and so did Hunter!  Wow, you guys should start a dino zoo!”  The problem is and has been that: everyone wants coffee imported from Colombia and fucking super bananas and Japanese comic books and African masks and scotch, but nobody wants to be affected by it.  Because of this, some countries must specialize.  It just so happens that what the U.S. used to produce: cars and slavery, are no longer applicable in today’s global economy.  Thus, the death of the American working man.  Get over it.  You want to eat avocados and drink white tea, but live in the midwest?  Well my friend, there is price for that.  So don’t be fooled when Uncle Sam says he is fighting for the working man, because he’s not.

Assuming there even was a working man to protect, I doubt he would have his hand in the securities business.  Unless ‘Ol Randal Shirtstain was running an investment bank out of his cellar, I am quite certain that he was not affected by Goldman Sachs.  Speaking of which.  Why does everyone hate GS?  Honestly? Because they’re clever?  Because they understand markets?  Because other banks were stupid enough to get served a shit sandwhich then eat it?  Fuck, I feel bad for those guys.  It must be tough to be a CEO of major corporation and say, “Damn, all of these mortgages defaulted?  Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I didn’t see that one coming.”

It is therefore no surprise that many former GS employees go and work for the government.  Nor is it a surprise that Obama took close to a million dollars in contributions from them.  Obviously.  They’re intelligent.  And quite good a poker from what I can tell.  To be able to sit there stone faced while getting scolded by a bunch of bleeding hearts on national television and not so much as crack a smile.  Fabolous Fab can come over any time he wants.

So Uncle Sam, stop jocking me.  Don’t pretend you’re crusading for the American worker because there is no such thing.  And stop holding these public roasts on national TV, dropping expletives and catchy soundbites.  Don’t fucking insult me.  It’s clear that this dog and pony show is a distraction from what’s really going on….

AREA 51 EXISTS!!!!!!!!!!


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When I saw that Robert Rodriguez had released a special Cinco de Mayo trailer for his new movie Machete – about a guy who attempts to assassinate a Senator to exact revenge for racist immigration policies – as a “fuck you” to Arizona, I thought, “neat-o!” But as image after image of bankrupt Hollywood coke heads, developmentally disabled screenwriting, and cinematography that a pre-pubescent Michael Gondry could have topped, I realized that what we’re dealing with here is probably the most significant piece of cinematic mastery since Spy Kids 3 (also directed by Robert Rodriguez)…

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In honor of this holiday we would like to aid you in celebrating this rich and illustrious culture.  A quick history lesson: Cinco de Mayo means 5th of May, or May 5th.  Now that we’re past the boring part let’s take a look at all the ways we can help you to have the best Cinco de Mayo ever.

1. Music & Dance

It’s nearly impossible to think of Mexico without a vision of dance and music.  I can’t imagine the Merengue, Salsa or the Santa Maria without accompaniment and vice versa.  As most of the country doesn’t own shoes, different dance act as their Nikes and Pumas and express style and emotion (just like shoes) and it is not uncommon for the entire country to break into a spontaneous, Matrix Reloaded barefoot rave party.  And to what do they dance you may ask?  Traditional Mexican music!  Common instruments include finger symbols, maracas and twangy guitars played by mariachis to the tunes of “La Cucaracha,” “Jarabe Tapatio (or Mexican Hat Dance),” and “How Bizarre.”  Even couples sing duets as Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin do.

2. Visit

One of the first places across the border is the sleepy town of Tijuana.  Much like a country bed & breakfast, TJ (as so lovingly nicknamed) is as quaint a place as quaint can be with Mom & Pop shops on every corner and not a sin to mention.  Not much to see, not much to do but I’ve heard that donkeys put on plays which sounds downright entertaining.  A huge family destination can also be found in Cancun.  Aside from the many top quality restaurants, there are beaches and shops and many appreciative and satisfied daughters as “yes daddy” and “give it to me daddy” can be heard from a vast majority of the luxurious hotels.  Here you can immerse yourself in the culture by purchasing the traditional garb: ponchos, sombreros and mustaches.  If you venture outside the beaten path and are lucky enough you may even stumble across the national animal, the Speedy Gonalez!

3. Activities

There is so much to do in Mexico but I can recommend a few of the most popular.  A favorite of the locals and the health-conscious tourist, try your hand at a little manual labor.  Between factories and farms there are plenty of options to work up a sweat and burn those rascally carbs.  There is even a job where you get to play a mule!  For another vacation of the destination sort find yourself a coyote and trek across the border just like a real immigrant.  Cacti, jaguars and scorpions make for a life-like experience.  Just don’t let the border patrol catch you!  And finally, my favorite and something you can do at home, try adding -ues and -uez to the end of words.  Itues isuez the greatestuez timeus!

4. Food and Drink

Last but most certainly not least and a very integral part of any culture, the food.  Oh the food!  From the most common tacos, nachos and fajitas to the just-as-delicious tortda, chalupa and quesadilla you can’t go wrong.  To wash down these delicacies try any of the traditional beverages: margaritas, sangria, Corona or Dos Equis.  These are guaranteed to match any meal and are the American equivalent of water or Gatorade and are Aztec approved.

To show my respect for the culture, I have even colored the text of your options to the Mexican flag: brown (ground and spiced beef), yellow (tortilla), green (lettuce and guacamole), red (salsa) and, this, white (sour cream).

I hope you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo as much as I have and celebrated Star Wars Day yesterday – May the 4th be with you.

Tiene us bueno Cinco de Mayo!

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