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Archive for April, 2009

The UK ended operations in Iraq today, prompting Iraqi’s to ask, “Where did all the smart Americans with funny accents go?”

Now who’s going to make 5 o’clock tea?  You can’t trust the Slovaks to do it properly.  What, they left too!

I bet when they left the base the Americans couldn’t help throwing a parting shot at them: “Hey, remember when you had the most powerful military in the world and you got your asses blasted off by a bunch of farmers with home-made musket balls?”

To which the Brits probably replied: “Hey, remember when you were the most powerful military in the world and you got your asses blasted off for 6 years by a bunch of sheep herders with home-made explosives.  At least we had the good sense to pack up and go home!  Oh, and by the way, tell your bloody politicians to stop taking credit for saving our asses in WWII.  Everybody knows it was the Russians who beat the Germans.  All you lot did was get syphilis and make Italians water their coffee down.  Have fun getting your ass blasted off.”

Or maybe the parting went a little more like this:

“I heard a light sigh and then my heart stood still, stopped dead short by an exulting and terrible cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph and of unspeakable pain. ‘I knew it — I was sure!’ . . . She knew. She was sure. I heard her weeping; she had hidden her face in her hands. It seemed to me that the house would collapse before I could escape, that the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened. The heavens do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have fallen, I wonder, if I had rendered Kurtz that justice which was his due? Hadn’t he said he wanted only justice? But I couldn’t. I could not tell her. It would have been too dark — too dark altogether. . . .”

Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and silent, in the pose of a meditating Buddha. Nobody moved for a time. “We have lost the first of the ebb,” said the Director suddenly. I raised my head. The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed sombre under an overcast sky — seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.

I wonder…

I’m assuming the U.S. departure will be a little more, uh, cinematic.

Oh well, for now I guess it’s just us and Fiji.

(Be in awe, I literally spent 5 minutes on this… 5 minutes!  I know, you saw it and had an Orson Welles moment.)

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I hate the way you ride your bike,

and the way you always cheat.

I hate your yellow jersey,

and the way you always compete.

I hate those stupid bracelets,

and Sheryl Crow’s horsey face.

I hate her music even more,

but I  love how you are forced to listen to it and pretend you like it while you workout.

I hate your delicious body,

and the way you changed your name.

I hate people who like you,

and the way you love your fame.

I hate how you’re friends with Matthew McConaughey,

even though you know his movies suck.

I hate it when I shoot at you,

and you always manage to duck.

I hate the Tour de France,

and your one and only ball.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close,

not even a little bit,

not even at all.

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You do? Well then, you’re welcome.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I was going to add the Paul McCartney video too, but I’m so pissed at him for selling his cd in Starbucks that I couldn’t do it. Not to mention it’s a shamelessly hackneyed recording for fucking Paul McCartney… What the fuck man! You’re Paul McCartney, don’t gimme that crap. Seriously, there’s a song on that album about wearing vintage clothes. Vintage fucking clothes! You know what’s a cool song, “Strawberry Fields Forever,” because it’s about an orphanage near where John Lennon grew up. You know another good one, “Helter Skelter,” because it made Charles Manson make crazy prophecies. You know what song sucks? I think you do…

P.S. Fuck you very much EMI and Astralwerks for making this a huge pain in the ass!

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I’m just not saying it isn’t. wink wink, nudge nudge!

Michele Bachmann and Pajamas Media are like a match made in Glenn Beck’s personal vision of heaven. Pajamas Media, in case you didn’t know, was one of the main organizing forces behind the Tea Parties. And Congresswoman Bachmann has a rather infamous penchant for trying to fit her whole foot in her mouth.

And by the way, her claim is completely inaccurate. The last outbreak, according to the AP, was in 1976 when Gerald Ford, a Republican, was president.

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The ultimate showdown for the future of humanity will take place… on Jeopardy?

IBM has apparently wasted a lot of time and money re-creating Johnny-5, except they call theirs ‘Watson.’  Watson is designed specifically to answer questions (like, say, Google?) and researchers at IBM are hoping showcase the machine as a new step in artificial intelligence.  IBM and Jeopardy producers are trying to get Ken Jennings on board, so I think the outcome of this project is fairly predictable:

Of course, if Ken Jennings fails us, we’ll be forced to race light bikes by our computer overlords!

Ok, I know that doesn’t really make sense, but I’m always looking for an excuse to stick a scene from Tron in a post.

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Holy fucking shit, I almost shit my pants.

Kind of like this guy.

This story can stand on its headline alone.

And, lastly, wtf mate!

Oh, and we’re all going to die from swine flu.

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Jonathan Mann (whoever that is) putting some of John Yoo’s 2002 torture memo to song. The memo, part of a series of memos released this week, is the infamous “torture memo” which, according to everyone in San Francisco, signifies the root justification for all “enhanced interrogation techniques,” is drawing out the Iraq War, persuaded Monsanto to make crazy bio-engineered soy beans that will take over the planet, is preventing gay marriage from being legalized in California, causes jock itch, and somehow had an anachronistic causal impact on the dust bowl that contributed to the Great Depression… and I believe them!

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