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Archive for November, 2008

Ok, that euro-trash vid was pretty rough, so here’s a little old school Rodney Mullen to help heal the wounds.

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The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is International Euro-Trash Day. Enjoy!

Thanks to Francesco for pointing us to this truly awful spectacle.

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OH NO! You’re high! How did this happen? Well, it is likely that the reason you’re high is that you smoked marijuana and are now feeling the effects of it. But what if you’re too high? Yes, it happens. The fervor of your fellow ganja consuming associates provoked you to step outside your body’s capacity and you’ve gone too far.

The realization of your mistake resonates clearly in your mind, despite your otherwise inebriated state. You’re bugging out! Man! What’s worse is that you will soon be thrust into a preposterously normal yet unbelievably frightening social situation. Still unclear? Of course it is, you’re high as shit, and I don’t expect you to understand anything. Reread this sentence and catch up. OK? Good. The social situation I’m referring to varies in dynamic, but remains consistent in expectation.

The expectation is that you will be able to maintain basic human interaction for an unspecified duration of time. Shit, I’m so high, and my parents are coming to visit me at school in thirty minutes! Shit, I’m so high, and I’m about to go into a convenience store! Shit, I’m so high, and my party guests will be here any second! Shit, I’m so high, and my girlfriend is calling me right now! Shit, I’m so high, and I forgot I’m supposed to go to work today!

And so on and so forth . . .

A skeptical reader may think, “Those situations aren’t particularly challenging.” I of course, would have to agree. On average, these social circumstances require little to no effort on the part of individual and in most cases were arranged by the very same person who now has the problem that I’M SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW!

Never fear foolish stoner, with these 5 easy rules, you’ll be able to enjoy your highness and avoid statements like: “Son, what’s wrong? You smell like marijuana, have you been smoking?” or “You sound funny. Are you fucking stoned? Don’t even bother coming home tonight!” or “Everybody look at Jay, he’s so fucking high right now, look at his eyes? Oh man, he’s fucking baked.” And of course, “I’m gonna have to ask you to leave the office, come back tomorrow when you’re not high. That is, if you still have your job.

Number 1: Take a deep breath. Despite the contention that smoking “mellows you out,” marijuana actually accelerates your heart rate. The increase in blood flow is likely to give you feelings of anxiousness. Relax guy, remember you wanted to get high. Try and take ten deep breaths, that is if you can remember what it is that you were supposed to be doing.

Number 2: Don’t psych yourself out. Or up, or in, or back. Don’t psych yourself anywhere. Try to avoid, “Just get it together man, your parents will be here any second.” This type of thinking will just make you anxious again. You’ll likely forget to breath and you’ll get lost in a world of nonsensical self high-talk. You’re smoking to not think. Don’t make it a point to do so once you’re there.

Number 3: Don’t take the red-eye. A clear indicator that your “stoned out of your gourd” is your squinty bloodshot eyes. Don’t let society get you like this. It’s an unenforced error. Remember what I said about marijuana causing an increased heart rate? Because of this, your heart is pumping more blood throughout your body. This causes your eyes to swell up and become red. Try gently placing an ice cold beer on those peepers. This should reduce the swelling and make you look like less of a loser. If eyes are the window to the soul, your clear focused eyes will reveal a clear focused soul. Woah man, that’s deep.

Number 4: Shut the fuck up. Unless you’re Dave Chappelle, it’s unlikely your word retrieval skills are up to par after a couple rounds of the wacky-tobacky. So why don’t you give yourself and everyone else a break by staying quiet for a little while. If you must, speak clearly and audibly. No one will appreciate your stone mumblings, especially when you’re trying to order at Wendy’s. Additionally, your insights aren’t nearly as impressive as you conceive them to be. Remember to think it through: Does it really matter if raisins are all really just grapes? Is there somebody in the room who doesn’t already know this? Does this contribute to the conversation and is it congruent with the current topic? If the answer to any of these questions is “no,” then your best bet is refrain from sharing. It’s better to keep quiet and be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and let everyone know how high you are.

Number 5: Drink! Yes, drink up. Preferably whiskey. It will warm your soul, loosen your throat and help you relax. You’ll be able to regain some control of your vocabulary again and maybe even strike up a conversation with a stranger. Sweet man.

DISCLAIMER: Be careful not to drink too much, unless of course you’re looking to take a ride on the Gravitron. We’ve all been there. It starts with an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. “Should I lean back, should I sit forward, stand up, sit down?” Then you slowly lose control of your gravity. The room begins to spin, your stomach along with it. Forget society. You’re going to vomit. You successfully excuse yourself to “get some air.” It feels good at first, but the novelty quickly wears off. Now you’re just cold. At least you’re alone. Wait, you hear someone coming. A drunk friend. He wants to talk about the game last night. You can’t remember shit. He offers you a cigarette. You take it thinking it will help. You smoke half of it. Now you feel really sick and can’t finish it. You toss it away, despite looking like a dripping vagina. Your brain reprimands you. “Fuck, fucking idiot, oh my God, everyone thinks I’m a pussy, shit, my fucking eyes, red, fuck, this sucks, breathe, remember to breathe, ahhh.” But it’s too late. You’re aboard ship in a hurricane you must ride it out. This isn’t Varsity Blues. There’s no rallying from this. You find a corner to die in. Then comes the call for change. “I’m never gonna drink again. This is it for me. Tomorrow I’m going to the gym. I’m gonna detox for while. No more drinking or smoking, I’m gonna change!” These thought lull you to sleep. But in twenty minutes you wake up and puke your brains out, dry heaves and all.

Nice job stoner.

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The people have spoken and the magical math of politics has once again worked its, um, magic and turned a 7% margin of victory in the popular vote into a 200% margin of victory in the electoral college. Democracy wins again, yay!

Anyway, it’s been almost 3 weeks since the people voted for Hope and Change over the “Hope” and “Change” the GOP was offering, i.e. ‘We HOPE you’ll CHANGE your mind and vote for us even though we fucked the country up.’ So what happens now, other than the nails-on-chalkboard excitement of cabinet selection coverage?

Well, for one thing the whole country is flipping out over California’s Prop 8, because after the last 8 years if people aren’t protesting something than they just have go home and look at their credit card bills, mortgage bills, energy bills, and maybe a foreclosure sign nailed to their boarded up windows. Bad news for everyone involved in that messy fight, the California courts overturn the majority of Props, and since this one proposed an amendment to the state constitution it needed a 2/3 majority, which it didn’t even get close to. That means there’s a lot of work ahead, and everyone knows that Democracy is about voting and bitching about the results, no one ever said anything about actual work.

Meanwhile, Obama’s taken advantage of liberals’ post-election binging and subsequent hangovers to do something really stupid: ask Hillary Clinton to be Secretary of State. Imagine a very slow and violent train wreck. Now put a Royal Blue pants suit on it. Bingo!

The teaming, huddled, sweaty masses are soon to suffer a plague of super lice, but they don’t seem too worried about it because Obama’s tax plan will be the poor man’s ‘bailout plan.’ In fact, a very surprising post election number surfaced – the lower the income bracket, the larger the percentage that voted Obama. I guess they were smart enough to see that a guy who doesn’t know how many houses he owns calling a guy who did well in college “elitist” is a bit of a stretch even for a Republican, and believe me, they’re stretching shit left and right, just ask Mark Foley. The problem is that no one told these guys about the Earned Income Tax credit that already existed – and was expanded by fellow wealth spreading socialist, Ronald Reagan – and means that their gains will be somewhat negligible.

But anyway, that stuff’s pretty boring, let’s talk about how Obama will mercifully deliver us from impending economic disaster. Much like FDR, Obama will inherit a tanking economy from a guy with record-breaking-ly low approval ratings and will counter it with massive social works programs. Sounds like the new guy is a student of history. Oh shit, I almost forgot something, FDR’s New Deal didn’t really bail us out of the Depression on it’s own, World War II did that! Let’s go back over that comparison: Economic crisis – check, Public works program – check, War – check… oh, ok… but wait, our war isn’t creating jobs! It’s totally fucking us over!… AND we have massive state budget deficits! AND we’re about to lose shit loads of tax revenue pretty much across the board! On man, we’re fucked.

There’s also a story in Harper’s lambasting the AP for reporting that Obama won’t prosecute the current administration for war crimes. Of course, they don’t exactly say Obama WILL prosecute, just that he would be an idiot to say he won’t BEFORE taking office. Naturally, being the second oldest magazine in the country, Harper’s is a delightfully entertaining combination of cynical and senile. Did I say entertaining? I forgot that I’m in California, where sarcasm is illegal. I meant boring, very very boring.

Oh, what else is going on, other than Ted Stevens, oh and Cheney and Gonzalez getting indicted. Oh man, they’re gonna get it now! That is if their actually ever convicted of anything, and if Bush doesn’t pardon them. So, nah, they’re not going to get it.

So, other than the historical novelty of electing a black guy, looks like we’re gonna take it up the ass for ‘democracy’ yet again.

(Paid for by Palin/Leiberman 2012)

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Totally Safe

Unless some Islamic extremist grizzlies fly a plane into it…

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Mine’s in the mail

jealous?

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