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Archive for July, 2008

OK, so let’s face it. You don’t listen to good music. You may think you do, but you don’t. Let me put it another way. You don’t know what good music is. This is primarily because you do not conduct the research required to hear good music. You are content listening to what everyone else listens to, then paradoxically claiming, “they’re MY favorite band.” You see it’s not that you have poor taste, but like most other Generation Y, well educated young adults, you are lazy.

Yes, your laziness prevents you from expanding beyond your comfortable limits and in turn prevents you from developing a true appreciation for art. Most of you have been under the illusion that mental growth and worldliness are by-products of simply being alive. You think that getting up everyday and going to work and coming home and doing it again the next day, somehow makes your wiser, smarter and well rounded. Unfortunately, existence does not qualify itself. Unfortunately, to become those things, to become more than a mere reflection of everything else, one has to work at it, and work quite hard at that. However, the benefits are immeasurable.

Even right now, you struggle to maintain focus on reading. Does it not bother you that you can’t even read several paragraphs with out being distracted? If the world gets any worse, those with weak mental capacities shall be the first to go.

Another common misconception is that if one does not like something, then one does not have to know about it. “Oh, I don’t like that politician, so I don’t even listen to anything he says.” How absurd! How does one defeat an enemy if he can not see or hear them? That is the fundamental principle that music rests upon. Knowledge. Knowledge of both the good and the bad and the in-between. So here it is. I’ve done the work for you. Either like it or don’t, but either way you’ll know. And I’ll know you’ll know. And you’ll be better for it in the end.

Alaska in Winter – Dance Party in the Balkans

What happens when a kid from New Mexico lives in an isolated cabin in Alaska for a semester? Well despite the namesake, dripping sickness happens. Alaska in Winter, or Brandon Benthancourt uses his multi-instrumentalist talents (with a few cameos from Zach Condon of Beirut) to put together an album that will make you shit your pants and then eat the shit out of your pants, just so you can experience it again.

Girl Talk – Feed the Animals

Girl Talk (Greg Gillis) pisses on the babies of copyright lawyers and industry executives with his album comprised entirely of other people’s music. Utilizing hundreds upon hundreds of samples, Girl Talk takes otherwise shitty pop music and fuses it together, destroying your roommate’s “Ultimate Pre-gaming Get Fucked Up Tit Sucking Power Hour Mix.” Oh yeah, he doesn’t clear any of the samples either, so enjoy it now before the Man shuts him down, like he does everything else.

Atmosphere – When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Underground hip-hop veterans Atmosphere attain enlightenment on their latest release. Slug rhymes with a depth and complexity that makes that kid you know (the one who raps, but only when he’s drunk and high, but it sounds pretty sick, but your drunk and high too so you can’t really tell) sound like the accountant he is destined to be. Lay that on top of Ant’s soul infused beats and you have a sound that is guaranteed to give you an assgasm.

Curumin – Japan Pop Show

Hailing from Brazil, Curumin will take your pathetic life, funktify it and have you speaking Portuguese in no time. Yes, that’s right, Curumin lays it down in his native tongue. Afraid? I bet you are. If the language barrier is an issue for you, let me translate it in advance; he’s calling you a fag. Also, he’s one of Natalie Portman’s favorite musicians, so brush up. That way when you finally meet her in a bar and she asks you for a ride home cause her boyfriend dumped her and took off with the hotel key and asks you if it would be ok if she crashes at your place tonight, you’ll have some music to play for her when you get back. Then you can try out that line about missing your life size Betty Page doll.

The Bad Plus – Prog

Do you like jazz? I didn’t think so. Your pathetic musical pallet is not nearly sophisticated enough to handle the plethora of chords, scales, unique time signatures and tempos. Fortunately for you, The Bad Plus built a bridge from the exquisitely unknown back to the familiar. Covering everyone from Bowie, to Nirvana to Tears for Fears as well as laying down original compositions, The Bad Plus holds your dick while you piss on all the music that you used to like.

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Oliver Stone has a new movie coming out in October called W. Can you guess what it’s about? I’ll give you a hint:

It may seem a little imprudent to release this movie before the man even leaves office. But ol’ Oliver never did like to play by the rules. At least he had the good sense to wait for Kennedy to get shot before he made JFK.

Some are speculating that the release date was set to coincide with the media frenzy surrounding the general election. Hello! Swing Vote anyone? Kevin Costner hasn’t made a fucking movie since, I dunno, Robin Hood, and he shows up now with this shit.

Judging by Stone’s past projects, I think we can safely assume W. won’t be as pro-Bush as, say, Batman. (By the way, if you don’t laugh your ass off at the op-ed that link points to, you’re banned from this site)

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Capitalism. A pragmatic approach to deciding what’s right. ( If it works and produces money, its correct). No longer is this simply the driving force in American economics but it is the now the pilot of society’s actions.

For a while my thoughts followed something of this dialog:

“Is a 3 on 1 Dildo porno flick right?”

“Well not necessarily, but people are buying it, and there will always be this kind of stuff around, so you can’t really stop it from being produced, and the people who do try to put and end to this stuff are hairy women who just need a good lay.”

And for most fun but hazardous things this plainly makes sense. We must let companies influence society’s choices somewhat, because after all capitalism is run by citizens. So for things like Fast food, Cigarettes, Porn, Motorcycles, and Tight Jeans the above theory works. Seriously we can’t go out and make decisions for everyone even if they do look like a double quarter pounder stuffed in a pair of Gap Straight leg jeans. But what happens when large corporations have so much power, they can no longer be considered “citizens” giving the general public a choice about what to consume, but they become global decision makers or better yet decision destroyers?

Now yes you may be thinking, “thank god he is going to tackle General Motors and Ford Motor company, he will ridicule them for still producing cars that don’t get over 40 miles to the gallon and show that people are too stupid to make the right choices for themselves.” This narrative does fall under the shade of my argument but it doesn’t truly get what I am after. I’m talking about situations when a corporation can force change, by providing no other choices, and there by up heaving the current bedrock of our nation.

That’s right I’m talking about taking the bottle out of Jimmy Buffett’s music. This fall Jimmy and the Coral Reefers will be making there way back to the New England area for a 2 night stint of laughs, music, food and tequila at the newly owned Comcast Center in Mansfield MA. But something will be different this year, No Alcohol in the parking lots. “This really won’t put a damper in the fun though, because there will still be $8 beers inside.” Are you kidding me??? The new rule was put into effect at the Comcast Center this Spring and has already meet rather strong opposition at both the Dave Matthews show and the Pearl Jam concert, neither of which even register on the scale of tailgating the buffet show sees. The reason for the rule is to “head off any underage drinking that goes on in the tailgating areas” which makes sense because no one likes dragging a drunken kid to the hospital with penises drawn on his face. But what about the rest of us? I’m talking about 96% of the people attending, the somewhat law abiding (I tried it but didn’t inhale) communityOn a genuinely personal note this rule doesn’t cut that deep, as I can still remember vividly dumping beer down a drain or sitting in the back of a cop car for underage drinking so I’m still used to the blind, unjust hand of the law. But what about the Dads and Grandpas out there who have been inadvertently castrated by there wives and 3 kids? This concert is one of the four times all year they can let loose and truly get back to their natural state of manliness. The parking lot at a Buffett show is sacred land for these warriors of the 60s and 70s, they did there time fighting for personal rights and don’t deserve to be told to poor out their tequila by some 25 year old Oakley wearing, bugger nosed, bitch tittied cop whose claim to fame is that he once got a BJ in the parking lot by his HS girlfriend, came in her face and then dumped her right there.

The problem here is multi-layered and rich with valid points from both sides. On one side you have a company that is so big they can control society’s actions and by owning an outdoor music venue they can’t have any legal trouble and therefore some dick head, whose dog’s dick he still sucks, said, “Well why don’t we just take away the catalyst of evil doings, and force people to buy drinks inside the venue.” And on the other side you have the war-fighting, blue collar, white collar, no collar, red neck, beat neck, white trash, black partial, transgendered, God fearing, God loathing, fun loving American public wishing to exercise their right to listing to Island Music and have an epic time.

So I leave it up to you people, should big companies be allowed to “make laws” simply because they can? This concert is going to be like Mardi Gras without areolas, Christmas without Jesus (oh wait corporate America already took him out of that), Internet without porn, but by and large it will be like Beavis without Butthead.

So F-U Comcast, I’m getting loaded, “getting laid”, eating Condor skulls and wearing a grass skirt… see you in the fall.

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What are you working on? Yes you, you over there, with the laptop, what are you working on? No seriously, I was wondering because I am sure that it is important. I mean, it would have to be important for you to bring your laptop down to this coffee shop and set it up amongst the noise and the grinding of beans and the flurry of orders and the constant opening of the door. Well, whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t wait. So yes, you should just continue to act like you can’t hear the commotion around you and I will just continue to wonder what pressing business it is that you are attending to. It’s a Mac I see. Do they have a rule posted somewhere in here. Did I miss it on the way in? “Macs Only” Maybe the owner of the coffee shop is friends with Steve Jobs? Wait a minute. A Mac wouldn’t be my first choice to work on important spreadsheets and PDF documents. I mean, with the lack of the ‘right click’ and with the backwards set up and all. Is there a printer in here? No? Wouldn’t you print it out? Your leaving it to chance? All that important work? Mac battery chance? Maybe there is a common server somewhere. Espresso machine, soy cookies, overpriced art, couches, liberal propaganda, perky breasts. . . no, no server. Ok, well maybe he’s using some secret government software that I’ve never seen. I have to see it. Ok, I’ll casually walk past and glance slightly. Oh hey.

“Can I have a large iced coffee?”

“Sure, that will be $2.30.”

That girl was pretty hot. She gave me the eye, I think. I wonder if she’s 18 yet. No, there’s no way. Shit, she’s prolly only 16 and a half. She acts like she’s grown. Fuck. Ok, forget about her. Hot though. I bet she’d look even hotter with coffee bean anal beads dangling out of her ass. What? Shit, that is fucked up. Is that even possible? They have chocolate covered espresso beans don’t they? Ok, I’m getting a boner. Be cool. Alright, I’m gonna walk past now, I can’t wait to see what this kid is looking at. Ok, glance on three: 1, 2, 3 glance. What? What the fuck? Facebook? What? Seriously? That hipster motherfucker is looking at Facebook? I can’t even believe this shit. Facebook? Can’t be without those pretend friends can you? No, not even for a minute. Oh shit, and Gmail too! And he’s got the chat application open! What a fucking twat. I can’t believe this shit. How much fucking social networking does one need? I mean he’s in a room full of real people and this dipshit has his headphones on, reading wall posts and sending emails to people he’s gonna see this weekend. I can’t even stand this shit anymore. Ok, I’m gonna sit behind him. I need to know this kid’s name so I can hunt him down and sever his puny testicles with an iPod. What’s he listening to? I can kinda hear it. C’mon you fucking fruit. Go into your iTunes so I can see your pathetic library of contemporary shit skank music. . . here he goes. Death Cab for Cutie? Why am I not fucking surprised. Jesus Hitler Christ. Expand your fucking mind a little dude. What the fuck does “Death Cab,” as you fairies call them, have to offer? A bunch of goddamn whining uttered sheepishly over three chords? You got the fucking internet right in front of you! Find something with some substance! Fucking Ethan here, perpetuator of shit music and tight jeans. At least he’s got a book on his desk. What’s he got over there? I can’t really see it. . red cover. . . is that a horse. . . paperback. . . wait. . . oh, The Catcher in the Motherfucking Rye! Well fuck me gently with a chain saw. Didn’t see that one coming. What, is that like the only book you ever read? Over fucking rated. Salinger is a fucking asshole anyways. He wrote what, three books? To busy jerking off inside to write anything else. Jesus, I can’t stand this much longer. This kid is just an extension of everything else. He probably isn’t even real. But I’m sure if I said I had a signed copy of the Anarchist Cookbook, he’d materialize into existence – bus ticket and wallet chain in all. God his hair gay to. How much pomade did it take to make those strands fall over your eyes? You’re a guy for fucks sake! There is still something I have to know. Ok. Just ask him. You won’t be able to function today if you don’t. I can’t even wait. This is going to make it better. I just have to ask. I just have to. Yeah. I’m going to. Ok, here it goes.

“Excuse me.”

“Hey, what’s up dude?”

“Do you mind if I check my email really quick?”

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The Overview:
OMG!!! There’s a black guy running for president!?!? We know, it’s crazy, and since you’ve spent the last 18 months in your parents’ basement scouring the web for leaked set photos of Indian Jones 4 (spoiler alert: it sucked Harrison Ford’s 80 year-old balls), you’re probably just starting to get into the election. We at The Daily Lip have decided to catch you up and cut out all the fat of normal election reporting in favor of a more enlightened approach.

The Hype:
After the long, history making primary race against Bill Clinton’s wife, a guy who couldn’t shut up, a guy with a 500 dollar haircut, the Governor of New Mexico (which is like the political equivalent of playing the triangle in the London symphony orchestra), and some mandatory fringe white-hairs, Obama has emerged with massive public support and some of the best fitting suits the Chocolate City has ever seen.

How did he muster such support? We have a few ideas:

what does all this have to do with politics? Well, we wouldn’t want to repeat the foreign policy disasters of the current administration, would we?

For his part, John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee, was able to turn around a shipwrecked campaign that was completely out of money and won the nomination soundly. How did he pull it off?

What wit! I just can’t see why the evangelicals don’t love this guy. He’s got just their kind of humor.

The Polls:
Every major news source has their own poll for tracking the daily whims of voters in an effort to put something, anything on the news… seriously, as long as I don’t have to watch Nancy Grace 24 hours a day you can shove poll up Jay’s ass.

We decided to do our own research and came up with this: The Daily Lip T-shirt Poll. It’s simple, I just went outside and counted the campaign t-shirts I saw people wearing. The results may surprise you… they probably won’t though.

The Daily Lip T-shirt Poll results

Obama t-shirts = 39,832,887,143,543,279,132,532

McCain t-shirts = 0

sample size = 15 minutes in the Trader Joe’s parking lot

(full disclosure – these figures do not include the copious Obama sweatshirts, boxers, thongs, and the woman with the Obama tramp stamp. Also, there was one Dukakis ’88 t-shirt)

Just as a point of interest, the dominant Obama tee logo was that ubiquitous populous image that has become so beloved among young liberals.

It was awesome, there were all kinds of hip looking teenagers with that face plastered on their chest. You know, that stylized graphic image looks so familiar… I feel like I’ve seen that before???

Oh, goddamnit! I feel cheapened.

The Issues:
Umm, so McCain wants to like… something about the economy or maybe sending another moon mission up, I dunno. And Obama wants to, uuhhhh, make health care… alright fuck it. The real issue is who has the hotter wife.

With Cindy McCain you have to use your imagination a little bit.

The Conclusion:
With already so much fuss over this race and months left until the actual voting happens, you have more than enough time to lose all interest while your ears bleed from all the ‘extended coverage.’ Our advice, rip the cable out of your wall, get a netflix subscription and an absentee ballot, and hunker down Y2K style until November.

And don’t forget, no matter who wins, that medicinal marijuana card you picked up on vacation in San Diego isn’t going to do shit when you get busted in Connecticut.

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